Plain ol blog entry

Everytime i begin to think about writing in here , i feel like i a need a page full of funny , interesting , or perspective topics to discuss . Unfortunately most of the time not much of that is going on in my head .

Ever get into a car accident , and have everyone to tell you to drive as soon as possible so you dont get scared ? Ever lost a bunch of money gambling , and been told to gamble again as soon as possible so you dont get scared and never gamble again? I just figured i dont want the same thing happening . Not in my blog .

So im gonna stop here and chalk this up as another successful entry in my quest to become just another of the millions of bloggers (writing about nothing) .

The City That Never Sleeps

Is it the honking horns at 3 am ? The souped up 1986 Honda Civic with (insert your own rap star rapping about his money and bitches here) blaring out of the broken passenger window ? The garbage trucks which make sure to put on their reverse warning beep when no one is up, let alone on the street at 5 AM (but feel the need to let New Yorkers know that they're as busy as the rest of em ) ? The fact that you were looking for a parking space for so long , that the drivers' seat is now more conformed to your body than your bed , and you fell into a stupor (till said garbage trucks start their route) ? The endless chatter of neighbors in the well built NY apartment buildings that have walls as 'thick' as a Kosher steak ? The siren of a fire truck , ambulance , police car , shmira , hatzolo and every other response team which feels the need to warn you not to jump out of bed into the empty street jump in your car and get in the way of their emergency call ? The continuous buzz of your air conditioner unit , thanks again to the well built NY apartment buildings ? (No my friend the winter wont set you free , for that they conveniently install) A heater which like everyone else in NY must let you know its busy by constantly hissing ? The mitzvah tanks playing anything Jewish as loud as possible on Holidays you never knew existed ? The Mishulochim knocking on your door at 1 am hoping to catch you off guard enough to give them a 10 instead of a five ?

I really couldn't tell you . All I know is that the famous statement definitely rings true in my ears.

Man's Worst Nightmare

This may shock many , especially the ones who are the culprits of this malicious act. The ones that never take no for an answer. The people that always reach for the sky . Yes That's right , the ones that hit redial with the speed of an old western cowboy drawing his gun . The ones who when you press 'ignore' on your cellphone take it up as a challenge , and unfortunately most of the time they are victorious. The type of man who when you tell them you're busy ask ever so innocently what your busy with , and go on to offer solutions when all you want is a solution to getting them off the phone.

When did this evolution happen ? When did man , once so repulsed by phone chatter , become so feminine , so dependent , so utterly annoying to other men around the world ? When did we start feeling the need to pick up the phone everytime we have an open window of thirty seconds or more? Lets not forget our dear stoner friends who though they smoke and suddenly have the most interesting thoughts , theories and concepts (that unfortunately MUST be shared) that no man in our illustrious history has thought of yet , still lack the social brains to recognize that your not listening to a word they're saying unless its goodbye .

Though its almost too long ago to remember , it wasn't always like this . There used to be a time when you could watch a TV show without having to cradle the phone far enough off your ear so that you can still concentrate on the TV. When you could go to the bathroom and concentrate on your aim and your aim alone (for the sake of your marriage if nothing else). When you could take a stroll to the corner without being on the lookout to avoid any friends you may have recently 'ignored' (read : were not interested in endless chatter about nothing while occupied) . Some may still proclaim this wonderful country , the 'country of freedom' , but our days of freedom are long gone . Unless of course the freedom your referring to is the Verizon Freedom plan which leaves you free to talk (and talk and talk) on nights and weekends (which of course is only if your lucky enough to be brandishing another server in which case they actually have to pay to talk about nothing (during the day) , which kind of puts things in perspective for them).

Now im not the type of guy looking to alarm my readers , or anyone for that matter . If I raise a problem , I generally like to have a solution. Then again it's hard to compare the problems we face on a daily basis e to this national catastrophe. What I can offer you , is to join me in my quest to 'ignore' the infidels , and beat them at their own game . Yes you will ge some hate messages and ignoring those is something ill address in a future column . But for now , stand strong and fight this battle with me . The worst is yet to come . Technology is only growing . Its Only a matter of time before they'll be able to watch you press ignore . So in these last throngs of battle , be brave and march ahead like a soldier , and smile next time you take a trip to the bathroom uninterrupted . You just beat them at their own game.

Its Good To be a Dolfan

Yes you read that correctly . For the first time in too many painful years I can honestly say that statement and hold a straight face while doing it . For the first time since the old days of Don Shula , we have a great coach . Unlike what they'd have you believe on Sportscnter , a great coach goes a long way with or WITHOUT star players . Long gone are the days of having a game in your backpocket only to watch it slip away in the fourth quarter , like aces getting cracked on the river by deuces .

So I say, so long Dave wandsdett and your damn mediocrity . So long to you running out the clock from the second quarter on to 'preserve' a 3 point lead . So long to making sure to get rid of the greatest quarterback in the game and bring in no one , and no one as his backup . This is a sure way to ensure success ; if success means taking a talented team , getting nothing out of it , getting fired , and going on to lose in college as well .


I wish I could feel bad for him . I wish I could say he 'did his best' and 'poor guy' , and 'stop being so hard on him he didn't have the talent around him' , and every other dumb cliche there is in sports . But fortunately , when you make $500+ k a year and don't deserve a penny of it , you should have plenty of money to hire someone to make up your own dumb cliches . Did I mention that that half a million plus salary comes from naive/dumb/diehard fans spending their hard earned (-doing actual work to earn ) money on tickets to watch these dolphins do as little as possible without losing their paycheck ? When are these people going to start feeling bad for us ? When are we gonna get some sympathy for spending our whole day off watching these pathetic wretches jog up and down the field bungling everything they can ?

But now ....now that's all changed . Now we have an underpaid coach who's getting paid twice as much Wanstdett . We have a coach who knows football , knows how to win , and even knows how to deal with the media (who cant stand him because he refuses to let them know his gameplan , and let them watch his practice..go figure) . I am so enamored with him , I question my faithfulness to my wife . This man has taken our team from the drenches , IM talking Houston Texans drenches , to a team that will be in the playoffs come next year .

So Dave , thanks for sucking so bad . Thanks for making all the wrong decisions . Thanks for taking a playoff team and going 4-12 . Without you , Nick Saban woulld still be winning over at LSU.

So let it out dolfans . Its finally good to be a dolfan.

My Brothers Wedding

Ahh the excitement . My older brother is finally tying the knot . Such an exciting time . But as we know god is way too complicated to just send us a dash of good news , always gotta be a little sprinkle of rye (I hate rye , but not as much as the people who serve you rye bread and claim its plain) . My 'rye' is , my kapote doesn't fit . Believe it . No IM not a girl so IM not saying it doesn't fit , because I feel the need to stress about my clothes (and then a week later talk about how good you looked in that same dress you were bitching about) , when I say it doesn't fit - I mean the buttons don't close , as opposed to when IM not in it - a toddler could close them without help .

Buy a new one . Wow great idea . One that my father actually suggested as well . You see he is the lone student of the school of thought that thinks I wear this long black coat more than once a year . This is going to sound funny , but he actually thinks I wear it 1000+ times a year . No we do not have issues , I do love him but its hard for him to see some things (not my beard which he seems to know the exact amount of hairs it has the last time he was in town) . So were looking at 850 bucks for 1 hour of wear (at which point i will be tearing up the dance floor like i am known to do ).

I am a yoyo type of guy always have been and probably always will . My kryptonite is ice cream , except its alot stronger than kryptnite . You see , in every Superman episode there is kryptonite , yet in every episode he saves the world . Whereas with me if there is ice cream , I will not be moving for quite a while . I will have my ice cream and eat it too . Whoever says you cant have both has never seen me wihtint a mile radius of a good ol gallon of mocha mix. Maybe Superman has a stronger will . I wont argue that , but I will point out that its alot harder not to let kryptonite affect you , than it is a nice tub of sweet vanilla mocha mix smothered in chocolate fudge biscotti .I put enough fudge in there that it I need a magnifying glass to confirm which flavor ice cream IM eating ....Why don't you just taste it ? Another good question , and IM happy your paying attention . You see when I eat I try to get as much into my mouth at one time as possible . I look like a holocaust survivor on speed . My cheeks stretch as I eat , and IM still not sure if its the food, or my cheeks actually getting bigger as I eat . As you can imagine, flavors are hard to decipher .


All was fine until a few weeks ago when I walked over to the freezer for a routine check to make sure there was nothing there for me to eat (similar to changing the remote while reading a book) . Sure enough sitting ever so humbly (as if its not the greatest thing ever invented) were two tubs of mocha mix (quantity if of prime importance , if IM going on a binge IM going on a binge , not playing with my self (I am no longer single) . Why is your kryptonite in your own freezer you ask in exasperation?!?! I feel your confusion , and I am as confused as you . My dear wife , whom I love to no end seems to think that if I don't want to be a blimp , I must learn to do it with cases of ice cream staring at me (when you reach the type of bond i have with ice cream , a simple freezer door does not interrupt a stare) in case someone comes over and wants some ice cream (an opinion she regrests post binge when she has to help me off the couch) Meet Avrohom Avinu of our generation.

The rest (ten pounds) is history.

Options...

1. Buy a new Kapote (my father still thinks this is a good idea) -$850

2. Lose ten pounds in two weeks (this has been done many times before , but i am starting to get old)

3. Go with the open button look. (if you have pulled this off in the past and your name is not Brad Pitt , id love to hear some pointers).


With wishes that typing does in fact burn calories...
Yours truly

Intro

Not sure what im doing in a blog page , but i am sure that no ones going to be reading this , so i guess it doesnt really matter .

Id like to thank my brother in law who sent me the link to this site , without which we both know , i coudl have gone years without clicking on it myself .

Anyway , i should probably desribe myself , but then again i probably dont need to to my one reader (my wife) .

Cutting to the chase a bit , i always enjoyed writing , am somewhat opiniated , and this is about as close to a laywer or professional writer ill ever be .

Id have to describe my hobbies as soprts and poker ( a real intellectual) , so thats what youll be hearing about most . Hope its interesting enough to come back every now and then (if not were going to have marriage problems).